The imbalance in our lives for acceptance and approval is a major factor in both individuals and societies of individuals. I may approve of something I do not accept, or accept something I do not approve. This is a contradictory factor for virtually every person and society. We rightly yearn for balance, but it sometimes eludes us and causes deep problems. In the founding of America there was tension over the identity of slaves (African Americans) as relating to citizenship. They were persons so deserved citizenship, and they like other persons in the territory had been displaced of their former citizenship. The solution was to give them partial citizenship so to be counted in census, but without rights in a democratic society. This was not approved by many persons, but accepted so as to gain the unity of the nation of states. The approval came in a bloody warfare in the 1860s. Acceptance took many decades to gain increasing force. The racial tensions of my lifetime have been to lengthen the cords of acceptance to the approval of law. The problem is apparent in many of the contexts of life, in gender identity, in family continuity, in governmental effectiveness, in professional status, in religious faith – and the list can be extended. We know too little about the matter of acceptance and approval, when balanced, as a guide to the good life we yearn for. Because we will not get the equation we prefer, we need to know something of management for it.
We begin with a factor that is both a starting point and an ending point – forgiveness. In this instance we mean forgiveness that relates to the past. The wise and liberated person forgives the forces of the past (persons or authorities) mistreatment, hypocrisy, vendetta, injustice, and the like, and moves forward to achieve a standard (under God, righteous) of approval to be educated into the society for acceptance. That assignment is not easily accomplished, but it ought to be addressed to gain the best for the individual and society. My wife said she knew that a decision for my (our) professional life was the right one. She was sometimes weighed down with a degree of non-acceptance. She did not care for the city we lived in, did not warm to her part in the programming, was too influenced by the unhappiness of her childhood in similar general community, and fear related to some crimes in cities. (Four times my vehicles were broken into and parts stolen. Happily for me a son-in-law was my insurance agent managing some losses.) It was with the help of our youngest daughter that we did some things to address my wife’s feelings. At the close of the period (17years) I proposed that since she had adjusted to my preferences in the ministry of our lives to this point, we would retire to the place where she would feel most fulfilled in our closing years. She made the decision and I accepted it fully, that related to the remaining fourteen years of her life. My life will conclude in the place of her choice and in the beauty of the balance of memories found in an aggressive husband married to a passive wife. In pre-marriage counseling this issue of present and future veiled expectations, should be understood and explored for every couple to approval and reality.
Not understanding and practicing life balances leads to uncertainties about how to manage our lives in relationships controlled by God through over-arching love that seeks to find balance as a specific matter in the functioning of individuals and society. It may be managed by tolerance which is better than negative alternatives, but it is often offered grudgingly. Most of the embarrassments I have felt with my fellow Christians reside in the negative meaning to varying degrees of tolerance some are willing to give to others, but also to imply that tolerance is weakness, as sometimes in its weak or distorted forms, may be so. Our defense of tolerance is positive that eschews ugliness, hate, bullying, anger, ignorance, undue pride, even terrorism. The Christian is called to declare and work for the right, but to take the blows of the negative operators in society rather than sacrifice the Christian reputation for peace, compassion and faith that the ultimate outcome in society is grounded in a righteous and loving context. We are called to love so to moderate our personal preferences (expectations) to those of others who have fewer resources than faith and values provide. With biblical orientation for communication of our approvals we wait on God’s will. The concept is not complex, but seems to some persons to be beyond our tolerances as human beings. *Mark W. Lee, Sr. — 2016, 2020