A major enemy to counseling is self. We are so firmly tied to who and what we are, or presume we are, that we find it difficult to have anyone fiddle with our feelings, beliefs, tendencies, modus operandi, habits, secrets, relationships, or whatever dominates us at the moment. Further, we either know, or sense that counselors are imperfect. They may need counseling. It may be that the blind will lead the blind. In such an instance we would rather protect our own person, and environment, even if these were somewhat negatively formed with whatever has gone before – or going now. Counseling can make matters worse.
All this may lose the understanding of what makes an effective counselor, lay or professional. A counselor worthy of the name is a patient listener, so to gain focus on the factors needing attention. The counselor is sympathetic in mien, even if deploring the situation of the person before him, perhaps even neutralized by the quality of that person. Counselors are not judges. They may be needed because there were judges (perhaps of family members) that nagged about the needs of the counselee. The counselor ought to be an aid to problem solving. (Some problems may not have occurred, but are anticipated by the one seeking guidance – perhaps, really wanting only agreeable opinion.) How should the person before him or her, make a decision that will improve matters for the person, or for those with whom the person has to do?
The effective counselor seeks to discover what the real problem is, what may have caused it, what the options are, and to elicit from the counselee what beliefs and actions will follow. The most difficult factor of all may be the acceptance of the counselor by the person seeking solutions. Often, but not always, the counselor may detect that the person is in a charade, so to report that he sought counseling, but it didn’t work. He did not really plan that it would. A devoted counselor may make this matter the focus of the session. I often have begun sessions pointing out that my counseling included the Christian context for belief and conduct, so that the person before me will understand the context of my approach, even though responses are not yet known. My new friends learn from my attitude that I am sympathetic with them and their concerns, but also that I will conserve our time if my context is understood. This appears to have been appreciated, so to continue or close off sessions – depending upon the acceptance of the counselee. The person may not make a second or third appointment if the guidelines do not fit as he or she prefers.
Sincerely troubled persons may be out of touch with themselves. They do not know they are too casual, selfish, varying, opinionated, angry, flawed or victimized by whatever barriers to objectivity and relief. They understate their own faults and overstate the faults of others. They have a feeling about solutions, such as forgiveness, but are too taken by infractions to forgive. They may tie forgiveness to the unwillingness of others to forgive. In the course of counseling they may nod agreement, respond in ways the counselor likes to register, and the sessions move along with equanimity. However, the person, taken by an inner feeling of personal privilege and offense, does not make the leap from factors of revenge, personal hurt, moral violation, and the like, to a new level of grace, peace, acceptance, responsibility, love, mercy, tolerance, conduct and thought change. So it is often that even when everything has followed the best theory in counseling, there is no change in the one seeking change in self or circumstances. Personal barriers were so great that Jesus advised his disciples to make a gesture of sandal shaking as one encounters rejection. The gesture, likely unseen by the rejecting persons, was meant to remind the disciples they would not always be successful, but keep up the good work. They did. It is important we remember that God evaluates all matters on the basis of his faithfulness in love and holiness, not on the achievements of his creation. Man can give nothing to God to gain acceptance and identification, except faith and obedience to his definitions of life, family, work and character. If God is in the mix of our lives we must be concerned to fulfill his revealed expectations related to his nature. Faith opens the door, contrition gains acceptance, good deeds to fellow human beings that include the witness of the Gospel of Christ and modeling growth in righteousness prove we have understood the basic plan – life patterns of God for us. *Mark W. Lee, Sr. — 2016, 2020