My wife never moved speedily. I never saw her run, but in our earlier years her pace would be considered normal. I was the abnormal speedster. During her middle years, and after, she moved more slowly. I am sure that she saved herself from many bumps and bruises. With my hurry-up approach to life activity, I experienced small accidents, bumps and falls, to show that there ought to have been a bit more speed-limit application for my life. However, I soon made a conscious decision that I would not follow my preferred pace when I was with her. I had noticed how many men walked ahead of their wives, and/or families, even other friends, and it struck me as a bit selfish. Did it show respect for the most important persons in one’s life? Was it lack of humility, or awareness, or some other factor? For some cultures the man or woman walking ahead is taught as standard conduct. In royalty the Prince Consort walks following the Queen.
Decades after our marriage, she surprised me one day in saying: I want to thank you for walking with me at my pace. I see you going full speed when you are by yourself so I know it must be a conscious decision to slow down for me. She saw this factor of difference as a negative in some of the marriages that she had observed. Perhaps there was something of an irritation in adapting to each other in various contexts. My response was that I knew it would be more of a trial for her to speed up than for me to slow down, so I decided to slow down when I was with her. I also wanted to be seated so that my back was not turned to her. In Church, if we sat to the left of the pulpit (facing the rostrum) I would sit to her left, if on the right I would sit to her right. She liked that, and it meant that I could readily observe a need, if one arose. (I think she may have had a nose bleed once, and I bravely produced a handkerchief before request.)
On our thirtieth wedding anniversary, in 1973, I bought a fine leather bound Bible for her. She loved it, The New English Bible, and she underlined many phrases in it. Now, more than fifteen years after her death, I have been reading this favorite Bible of hers. I was struck this morning as I read from Genesis:
I will go at your pace. The words were underlined. I wonder if she may have underlined that phrase on the date, years earlier, when we talked about our own experience of walking together. (I am retaining her N E B and giving my copy to a great-grandson. There is something of a family glory in the gesture.)
So I remember, on her birth date, this small factor in our relationship. I wish we could walk, side by side to the church, the store, and the homes of friends and family. Almost everything else fades momentarily as I write, except that closeness, fellowship, love, meaning of the other person. It was and remains another gift of God to me. Without Scripture that teaches fellowship, love, caring, preferring the other to self, I would certainly have taken a common approach: If you can’t keep up with my dynamics, you are left to the hind most. One needs to learn that there is a compassion to life that turns sympathy to empathy: from feeling sorry for someone’s weakness, inability, or some loss, or inclination, to entering into the experience of that person so to make life more beautiful than would be the case if both persons were living through their sometimes lonely differences/similarities. What does one give, or receive, if without differences? It is also an analogy to God. He remembers our frame, that we are dust, so he cuts a wide enough swath in his field for us. I am still warmed by the gesture of Jesus that when he saw the weariness of the disciples, he took them aside for R & R. Why did he not just perform a miracle and get on with his important work? Here was another proof that he recognized our strengths and weaknesses in the natural daily context of life.
We can sense empathy, in ourselves and in others. It creates a spiritual aroma for our lives. It takes away the brutality, the jungle life approach that focuses on the welfare of self and not for others. Empathy from a person enters into the life of others, almost always for good. It is vital to love, understanding, and strength for living – for those giving it and those receiving it. When practiced it is example of grace. Some persons seem never to open small gifts of love – gifts from God, who is the author of them in nature. Love is in the nature of God, from which source love emanates to us. In practical understanding this empathy to conduct is a part of our service to mankind. We need grace for it. *Mark W. Lee, Sr. — 2016, 2020