It is impossible to avoid offending some persons. The ones I offend may not be offended by you, but you will have your share. Even Jesus acknowledged that it is not possible to avoid some offenses, and he implied the sad outcome of such events. In teaching students about what belongs in effective communications I began a course by asking how many had been offended by others. The hands of acknowledgement were nearly unanimous every year. Then I asked how many deliberately offend others. Seldom did a hand go up. Now and then a student acknowledged attempts to offend. My response was that if nearly all have been offended, and very few have deliberately tried to offend – whose fault is it? Not many of us try to offend. What profit is there in it? We commonly say all kinds of things, including white lies, to avoid hurting people. We tend to be offended because we permit something to offend us. I do not recall that I deliberately offended anyone, and yet I know that I have offended persons, even among loved family members and friends. That fact causes continuing disappointment for me.
It appears to be in the nature of things that persons make words stand for what they have determined to be the meaning, especially for those words which have had large personal meaning for them. They will not permit the use of a word for the meaning it has for other communicators. It is a semantic problem of large dimension, and it is hurtful to the society as well as to individuals. The human approach ought to be care in the choice of one’s words, in the knowledge that listeners may tend toward their own private interpretation of the speaker’s meaning. They have settled on some word meanings and will not permit another connotation or denotation. It may be the hard luck of the speaker to use an offensive word, to which a meaning is given about which the speaker may have no clue. The speaker is victimized in such an event.
A way to unravel the problem is to remember that words have varied meanings. I can’t force language to fit my preferences. I ought to be a good listener, which means to listen to get the speaker’s meaning before I make a judgment about the meaning, or style, occasion and motive. How is that done? Use non-judgmental questions. These problem solving questions are gifts to avoid miscommunication and distress. I may quickly disarm conflict by asking a question.
Questions are both the simple and profound solution – non-judgmental questions. The reader of the New Testament Gospels discovers that Jesus was full of questions. He asked questions of others. He asked questions to questions he was asked. His communication was, and remains, a model of what our speech should be like. It was clean and respectful: it was clear and directed. It was directed to the point, and we ought to catch the spirit and replicate what he did. Teachers have always been askers of questions. The best teachers major in asking relevant questions. These include both secular oriented and Christian oriented teachers at every level of my education. Bless them! The firm, gracious and truth-seeking questions will go a long way in solving problems between persons and nations. Questions ought to hold high value in communications. Even an informed God asks questions of us. Once relevant questions are asked and answered, both the questioner/responder and the listener/responder are in position to form an opinion, a point of view. Further, it adjusts the attitudes of the persons in the piece. We become more objective, and tend to take the issues out of visceral responses to problem solving contexts. This is the process of the true seeker. God likes it, and participates with us in it. *Mark W. Lee, Sr. — 2016, 2020